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[已批改] TPO25 Young people nowadays do not give enough time to help their communities [复制链接]

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    2014-2-26 16:45:30
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    发表于 2013-9-12 17:18:55 |显示全部楼层
    题目 : Do you agree with the following statement:
            Young people nowadays do not give enoughtime to help their communities.


    With the growth of competition pressure inboth school and career, young people are occupied with plenty of businesses andit seems that they don’t have enough time to devote to community activities. However,in my perspective, it is young people are even become more helpful to theircommunities than ever before.

    First of all, students, especially those incolleges, usually devote their own efforts to charities and other publicorganizations during their leisure time. For instance, many studentassociations such Students Red Cross and PRAA (Peasant Rural AgricultureAssociation), are organized to provide better service to the communities andcharities, such as teaching at the disabled school and in less developed areas.Thanks to these organizations, students can provide their effort and help moreefficiently.

    Secondly, young people are helping theircommunities in different ways from they did before. Nowadays, the young areusually well-educated and have enough expertise knowledge to find a better wayto devote to communities and achieve more values. Just as my classmate Jacksondid, he spent two months in summer vacation building a communication websitefor his community which absolutely make the citizen’ life more convenient.

    Considering the quickpace of modern life and the growing pressure, young people may not devote asmuch time as before to communities, but they are always helping theircommunities with willingness, enthusiasm and expertise knowledge.




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    发表于 2013-9-12 23:42:11 |显示全部楼层
    With the growth of competition pressure in both school and career, young people are occupied with plenty of businesses and it seems that they don’t have enough time to devote to community activities. However,in my perspective, it is young people are even become more helpful to theircommunities than ever before.(这句话语法不知道跑到哪里去了。。。)
    First of all, students, especially those in colleges, usually devote their own efforts to charities and other public organizations during their leisure time. For instance, many student associations such as Students Red Cross and PRAA (Peasant Rural AgricultureAssociation), are organized to provide better service to the communities and charities, such as teaching at the disabled school and in less developed areas(such as指代的是哪一类东西?要先有一个抽象的名词,才能俗such as具象的例子。)(第一句话主语是学生,举的例子为什么就变成学生组织了?有学生组织不代表有大量学生啊。).Thanks to these organizations, students can provide(用词不当) their effort and help more efficiently(你这段谈论的不是efficient的问题,所以结尾反而分散了主题。而且这段没有突出和过去的对比。).

    Secondly, young people are helping their communities in different ways from they did before. Nowadays, the young are usually well-educated and have enough expertise knowledge to find a better way to devote to communities and achieve more values. Just as my classmate Jackson did, he spent two months in summer vacation building a communication website for his community which absolutely make the citizen’ life more convenient.(这个例子能支撑前一句话么?我没有看到well-educated的影子,没有看到expertise knowledge的影子。)

    Considering the quickpace of modern life and the growing pressure, young people may not devote asmuch time as before to communities, but they are always helping theircommunities with willingness, enthusiasm and expertise knowledge.

    显著的问题就是字数不够,一段就三句话,开头举例结尾,这样展开肯定不充分,而且三句话还没有集中用力,而是讲了三个不同的意思。
    语言生硬,能表达自己的意思了,但是用语太过中文化,建议多看范文。
    逻辑欠缺,写文章要注意上下句的联系,英语是很讲究逻辑的,所以上下句的联系一定要自己能想清楚,句子里也要体现出来。
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