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[版主精华] Toefl 独立写作分析(二) [复制链接]

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  • TA的每日心情
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    2013-5-31 18:21:23
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    财富100强勋章 托福高分勋章 Offer英雄

    发表于 2013-3-17 20:27:32 |显示全部楼层
    本帖最后由 Mustang 于 2013-3-17 20:28 编辑

    新的教学栏目。每周1-2次。视版主心情和时间而定。每次活动都独立开贴。

    收录的文章水平参差不齐,并非都是优秀作文,但这不能成为你不学习的理由。


    原创分析,翻版必究。认真看完每一篇会让你受益匪浅。因为这些文章里或多或少都有你的影子。觉得无聊或者浪费时间的请绕道!

    文章的作者不署名,不点名。

    欢迎大家积极发言。

    Q:Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?People now are more easily to be educated than people were in the past.

    In addressing the much-discussed issue concerning about whether people nowadays are more easily to be educated than people were in the past. (这不是一句完整的句子,因为没有出现主谓宾。In后面一串都是状语,类似于when people are talking about...如果要和后面的many people相连,那么这里是逗号)Many people would argue that with the improvement of our condition and the rapid development of technology (这个已经被中国人写烂了,而且condition和technology也不是完全并列。一般来说写一个就行了)such as computers, people in the past are more easily to be educated. (逻辑是不是有点不通?现在科技发达了,情况改善了,所以不容易受教育?这里面没有很强的因果联系吧)However,as far as I am concerned, people are easily to be educated nowadays.
    (这一段唯一一句没有问题的句子,观点很清楚)

    乍一看作者的第一段,非常华丽。自己的观点也表达的很清楚。仔细一看,不敢恭维。病句和逻辑问题充斥了三分之二。这本可以是一个模范开头。而转换到一个模范开头也很简单,基本不用什么变化。

    范例:In addressing...(保持原句), many people would like to answer 'no.' Because.....(说一个过去比现在人们更容易受教育的优势,当然我承认这很难想).However, 我不同意。

    First of all, the environment our society create for our children are getting better and better. In the light of (这个词组是按照的意思,你可以直接说政府投了更多钱就是强有力的证据)this argument, the government has put more money into education compared with (前面已经有more了,后面必须出现than 还要补出that作money和介词in,所以这部分改成than that in) the past. More school are equipped with computers and a large mount of labs to create a wonderful studying environment for their students. In fact, not only can student search a large number of books in the library, but also they can have access to the internet to find whatever they want. Nowadays, we can go to the website (太chinglish, 你说type in都比这个好)such as google to find everything as long as we can imagine. It is really a privilege (priviledge) for us, because in the past, people even do not have ideas about what a computer is (改成looks like) and they are not able to find what they want efficiently. Therefore, it's easier for the children to learn more nowadays.

    理由和论据之间关系比较密切。就是说科技发达了,得到的资源多了,所以更容易be educated了。

    这里要提一下,not only, but also 。这两个词组后面的句式必须要对应。特殊情况就是作者的用法:not only在句首,not only后的内容部分倒装。but also后语序依然保持陈述句语序。当然更稳妥的方法是,the student can not only+V....but also+V.

    Another important fact is that the teachers are much better educated than before. In the past, even a person who has attended to a high school is very rare (chinglish到了外婆家 当然我知道你是什么意思。顺着你的意思说应该是:the number of people wo have attended to the high school is very small),for there are a lot of people who even did not go to school yet. (改过以后这句就成了累赘,不要了)On the contrary, the situation has been changed completely. (加一个时间状语,比如in the past 10 years 就完美了) Many people not only finish their bachelor degree, but a large amount of them even get their doctor degree or master degree. (看来你上面not only....but also句式用对了完全是运气。看看第二段的评语,a large amount of them even 这部分去掉。) With these well-educated person, a kid will surely be educated compared with the past.

    这一段的理由不错。可惜写的太烂。。。

    Additionally, few would disagree that our parents nowadays pay more attention on our study. As the development of the society, the competition gets intensified. So the parents are worried about their kids' education. Kids are being sent to private school to improve their skills when they are at the age of five or six. Actually, it reminds me of one of the excellent school in China, 'The New Orient School' (俞敏洪也许会跳出来澄清说他们就叫XDF,什么new orient 乱七八糟的). It aims to help people ranging from all kinds of age to learn English,the teachers there are so talented and humorous. Also, according to study conducted by a famous newspaper that school has helped almost about five hundred thousand people to realize their dream of studying aboard. (这句是常见病,看起来很叼是么。其实这句话不是完整句子,因为conducted by作了study的后置定语,而that叙述了这个study的研究成果。那么请问谓语在哪里?has helped么?那前面这些东西都在扯什么?这种错误也很好改,把that换成逗号就行了)In the past, there is no such school at all, people often study at home without anybody teaching them. Therefore, it's less likely for them to get well educated.

    段首给出的理由是父母开始对我们的学习更上心了。段尾的意思好像变成有了类似XDF这些学校的帮助,妈妈再也不用担心我的学习,省略一句广告语。这两个内容是有出入的。

    纵观整个段落。写补课学校的内容比较多。那么段落主旨就可以是现在发展起来的课外教育机构很多,所以人们可以更easy地学习。家长的关心可以作为一个穿插,比如说家长开始越来越担心孩子了因为什么竞争激烈,所以呢一些教育补课机构就应运而生。核心是教育机构,而不是家长关心。



    总评一下,优点和缺点都非常鲜明。优点就是自己的观点和理由表达的非常清楚,论据和理由之间的联系也比较密切。缺点就不再陈述了。

    这篇文章可以代表很大一部分学生的写作水平。这部分学生正在由22、23向25、26前进。在这一阶段最重要的是减少自己的语法错误,而不是求华丽求各种长句子。对于一些句型的用法一定要非常确定才能用上去。俗话说:战战兢兢,如履薄冰。这句话解释托福写作的要求再合适不过了。

    你可以对满分作文的行云流水羡慕嫉妒恨,但千万不要依样画葫芦。那些人(当然基本也都不是人,是牛)都是在经历一段时间语法和词汇的积淀之后才达到了让人羡慕的境界。所以,看范文,学好词好句一定要在自己真正理解的情况下才能对你的写作提供正能量。


  • TA的每日心情
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    发表于 2013-3-17 22:37:23 |显示全部楼层
    很多问题分析的很好~

    Rank: 6Rank: 6

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    财富100强勋章 托福高分勋章 Offer英雄

    发表于 2013-3-17 23:38:59 |显示全部楼层
    xywust 发表于 2013-3-17 22:37
    很多问题分析的很好~

    哈哈哈!

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    发表于 2013-3-18 18:30:27 |显示全部楼层
    版主评语评的真好....

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    雷锋勋章

    发表于 2013-3-19 09:56:16 |显示全部楼层
    楼主辛苦了  看完大有收获!!!

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    发表于 2013-3-19 13:35:35 |显示全部楼层
    本帖最后由 xywust 于 2013-3-19 14:15 编辑

    学习了一些 特权的正确写法  privilege

    Rank: 6Rank: 6

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    财富100强勋章 托福高分勋章 Offer英雄

    发表于 2013-3-19 22:36:36 |显示全部楼层
    托福
    xywust 发表于 2013-3-19 13:35
    学习了一些 特权的正确写法  privilege

    g前面有个d...别漏了

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    发表于 2013-3-19 22:41:35 |显示全部楼层
    Mustang 发表于 2013-3-19 22:36
    g前面有个d...别漏了

    刚查了没d哦?

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    财富100强勋章 托福高分勋章 Offer英雄

    发表于 2013-3-20 11:54:04 |显示全部楼层
    xywust 发表于 2013-3-19 22:41
    刚查了没d哦?

    好像有没有都可以。。。

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    2013-11-24 15:33:44
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    发表于 2013-3-26 08:31:18 |显示全部楼层
    每期必看,谢谢分享!

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    财富100强勋章 托福高分勋章 Offer英雄

    发表于 2013-3-26 16:02:59 |显示全部楼层
    sallychen2011 发表于 2013-3-26 08:31
    每期必看,谢谢分享!

    谢谢支持,继续努力!

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    雷锋勋章

    发表于 2013-10-16 18:44:24 |显示全部楼层
    我晕,菜鸟来学习了

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    发表于 2013-10-24 16:17:06 |显示全部楼层
    楼主 我想请问。就这种类型列举一二三的论点的结构下,是不是在每个论点后面加上关于自己的例子会有加分的效果? 还是说只要把论点说清楚就够了,不用再加自己的例子?
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